Welcome to the Salad Days of Masquerades

 oh god, im going crazy.

i wonder if my focus has turned because of the lack of presence.  im digging myself deeper/moving from one end to another.  im somewhere in the middle.

looking everywhere else for answers.  for everything.  only i can answer them.  but i think im afraid of what will come up.  or, maybe i just have no clue.  mmmm, thats safer.  but cheating?  i have to have an answer.  its in there somewhere.


its amazing how one topic can bring about the craziest range of emotions.




the crab's claws are pinching.

As many might know, I made a fool of myself one night not too long ago.

Disconnected since then.

I feel like I'm not allowed to talk to or about.

When someone wants to give advice/their opinion, I take it.  But once I ask a question I'm playing a fucking game.  Not fair.

Thanks for making me feel like an asshole.

I want to just move away from it all.  Since there seems to be so much fucking disconnect already, I don't see why I shouldn't just cut the chords.  It seems as though everyone would be happier.

I feel so very not.

Fuck it all.

You, you, you, and you.

I think I made a mistake.  A huge and awful mistake.

Phone
Computer
Ankle
Hip Flexors
Hamstrings
Body
Love life
Homework
Immediate Future
Future Future

As least I got my phone fixed.

This has been a good day.  A good week.  A good weekend-into-week.  A good semester (well, all 2 weeks of it).

Ahhh.

Just a few more weeks!

Excitement ensues.

I feel rejuvenated.  Relaxed.  Happy.  Energetic.  Awake to the world.  I think I am finally back on track.

I think I need to make a decision.
A or B.
I'm afraid I know the right answer.
Its probably me.
But its never been just the basic.
Pretty scary
Shit.

I have managed to quietly craze up my life in just a few months.

Some topics are just plain tough to talk about.  Its especially hard when you are talking with someone you care about but disagree completely with.  They want me to see their way, I want them to see mine.  Even if we do "see" the other side, we are both too stuck in our own ways to really change.  And no one really wants that, for someone else to change for the sake of another.  That would mean the person was not committed to their won ideas, values, beliefs, etc.  But, it can just be so frustrating when both sides make an attempt yet neither can grasp a central point to agree on.  How are we supposed to go from here?  Avoid the topic?  Work through the topic?  That's tough, considering every conversation about it has caused rupture.

How do two people find a compromise, without breaking their personal moral codes?

Although I am feeling a little better due to a video a friend sent me, the past two days has had me fallen back more than a few of the spaces I have been working on all semester.  Lets face it, this semester sucks.  There was about a month in there where things overall were pretty good, but once again, I let life get to me, exes get to me, and dear god, it fucking sucks.

I cannot believe they are dating.  I cannot believe she sees anything in him.  Well, I guess I made the same mistake.  Goddamn, after having coffee with him this morning (why oh why did I agree to that? Masochist.) I am absolutely 100% sure that I never want to be friends with him.  He only makes me mad.  Both at him and myself for wasting so much time and energy on him.  Like Im doing now.  What an awful power I let him have over me.  And hes not doing a thing!  Yeah, its all in my head, I know.  But when you find out that he is dating a freshman who you know, and she is sweet and nice, well, you just want to go up to her and warn her about the shit that he has done.  DONT WORRY.  Im not going to do that.

Thank god hes graduating this December.  Oh wait, he'll still be here.  Doesnt make any sense, if the whole reason he is leaving is for economic purposes.  Dumbass.

And now its just back to me being either sad or mad.  Aka, Im updating this, so obviously Im one of the two.

Its not that I want to date him, because really, I don't.  It just makes me mad that someone who was the fucking asshole in the relationship is already with someone else when I, the person who cared too much (seriously, though, that was the problem, what a fucking dick) cant seem to get anything right in the relationship realm.  Thanks karma.  Thanks a fucking lot.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Senioritis
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=senioritis


As I look over the past three-almost-four years, I think: man oh man, things have changed.
I certainly know more about what I want now.
Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
Recently, things have been headed a certain direction, even though I told myself I wouldn't let it.
Surprise.
What I really want was actually happening.
Surprise.
What I really want still cant happen. (Why?)
Surprise.
I am done with college.
Wait, that's not a surprise.

Words/phrases I still don't like:
-mature
-the right thing
-not the right time
-what's your plan?
-I don't care
-I don't think you should . . .
-College is the best time of your life


As a philosophy major, I've either not paid any attention or I've learned so much that I've made a full circle through logic and reasoning to end up back here again.

So much thinking about the future, its driving me insane!  What if the one thing I really want I can't exactly plan, just because its not something that I can climb a ladder to?  Fuck the "feminist" ideals of having to fbe ree and independent while burning bras and feminine characteristics.  Real feminism is about doing what I want.  And I know a thing or two about what that entails.

-Insert snappy hipster-esque reference here-

Lets get on to real life.  In about 6 months from now.

Its so easy.
I know what I need to do.
Easier said than done.

I'm at a point where a part of me is just completely done with college.  This means those people who act certain ways just because it is cool, who "dont care about things" when in fact they are so self-centered and worried about how they are perceived that nothing seems genuine.  Scary idea?  That this won't change after college.  It also means the whole set circle-of-friends.  Maybe its because I am no longer in the same "group" as I was before (thanks break-up) or because my bestest is not here this semester (DREW! I miss you!), but either way, this semester is hard.

I don't want to be back in Italy, because that was not the place for me.  But I don't want to be here, either.  Dance has taken over my life again, and while I love being back in the studio, I feel like I need another place I can go to where want is a mutual, satisfied relationship.  So I feel as though I am dancing the limbo; not quite on the ground, not yet hitting the bar.  I guess thats a sign of balance.  Or mediocrity.

Escape?  Revert back?  To what?  Questions questions questions, no answers.  Angst angst whining, no solutions.
Dear god, its me Jo.  I feel like I'm back in middle school, but with high school drama.

So, what if you married the last person you kissed?
That could actually happen, but not for a long time, if it does.  We both still have some things to do on our own before we could ever realistically think about it.

Last person you told a secret to?
I tell too many people too many things.

What are you listening to at the moment?
"Strangers In The Night" by CAKE (Im choreographing to it).

What's your favorite thing about Sundays?
If work is done, then I can have "me time" and watch a movie, read a book, and curl up and be comfy.

Do you hate anyone?
Not really.  One girl and one guy could both disappear forever and I would probably be a little happier, but nah, not really.

Last phone call you received?
Matt.

What are you wearing on your feet?
Barefoot.  Duh. 

Who did you last get into a big argument with?
Eliot?  Its over now. 

Do you like to have long hair or short hair?
Past four years has been short, but I think I'm ready for a change. 

Do you want to cut your hair?
No man, I'm growing it out (hopefully).

Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence?
My best buddy Drewcifer.  I love and miss this kid.

What are you excited about?
Dance.  Post-college life.  Way-off future.

Are you wearing make-up?
I am so fresh and so clean-clean.

What happened at 11AM this morning?
I got frustrated when my negative lines became positive.
 
The newest text message in your inbox say?
 "Whatcha doin afer 12:20?  lunch?"

What was the last song you sang out loud?
"16"-Same Cooke 

Do you have any brothers?
Eliot is my bro for life.

What time did you go to bed last night?
2ish

Are you currently happy?
Not really.  I look forward to being over this shit and being happy again.

Who gives you the best advice?
Mom, Matt, Amanda 

Who did you talk on the phone with last night?
Matt

Is anything bugging you right now?
Boys, future, boys, boys, school, boys 

What was the last thing to make you laugh?
Drew's post of "Sarah Palin stripped."

What annoys you most?
So-and-so entering my head.

Would you kill someone you hate for a billion dollars?
Depends.  Probably not, but maybe.  Depends. 

Who was the last person you saw in person?
Kaitlin.

Have you changed this year?
2008?  WAY.  Or maybe not at all and everything else has changed around me.

Who were you with last night around 9:00pm?
My Orchesis ladies (and gentlemen). 

If you could change your eye color would you?
Brighter blue. 

What are you looking forward to in the next month?
Dancing, choreographing, getting over shit, catching up with people. 

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
No.

Do you want someone back in your life?
Oh man, what a roller coaster of names.  Right now who have I not spoken to that I miss terribly? DREW. 

What jewelery are you wearing?
See make-up question.

Who will you see the most this weekend besides family?
Roomies/apartment-mates. My computer's face.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
Probably not.  Senior year, man, thats a little tricky to start now.

Have you ever wanted something you couldn't have?
Too often. 

Have you ever in any way, been betrayed by someone you trust?
Yes.  And I am still in pain.

Do you find it in your heart to forgive?
I am trying. 

At what age do you want to get married?
27 (but waaaay later for kiddos)

Do you like snakes?
No

Do you like waffles?
Got some eggos in the freezer.

Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member on the phone?
No, but my dad has called me his sisters' names to my face.

Say you were give a drug test right now, would you pass or fail?
Pass.  Damnit.

Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Emily.

Is your phone right beside you?
Im talking on it right now.

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
Probably the person I am talking to.

What were you doing at 2AM Saturday night
Talking to one of my best friends at his apartment. 

I am so sick of this.  Im watching SATC (which I've never really watched), listening to my friends talk about how she never gets over him.  Oh man, I have all such better things I can think of, such better people to spend my time with, yet the bored mind always reverts back to him.

I miss last fall.  Oh I miss it so much. 

Gesture?  No gesture?

-The Queen of passive agressive bullshit resentment depression wah wah wah

 I think I am on the way to recovery.  I fell in a rut, but now I'm back up.

Last bit of interaction was perfect.
Him: Do you want a hug?
Me: No.
the end.  felt like a last jab, which felt pretty satisfying.


Ahhhhhh, I said all the bad things I wanted to say, got the last bit off my chest, and finally feel as though he feels bad about things.  Or at least, I now know how bad he feels.  Many may disagree with my methods, but this is my process, and so be it.

Following Marshall Theater tradition, this weekend I am having an FTB (boy, not bitch) night.  I'm thinking of something to burn up or explode . . . could be fun.  Just to say ciao to it all.

Ohhhhh, its so nice to eat rice.

It took over 2.5 hours lying in bed to finally fall asleep after 3:30 am.  Why?  Because the brain would just not calm down.  It was raging.  I thought of the past year, of the first time we saw each other when I got back (thanks for the awkward hello and lack-of-embrace), of all the different things that I should have noticed or you should have done.  I thought of a hundred different ways to tell you off, and that kept egging me on, so by the end, I was filled with more hatred than I have had for anyone else (except for maybe one person, but even then, you may have surpassed her).

I am absolutely disgusted with you.  I actually don't want to be friends with you.  Not at all.  If I could Eternal-Sunshine you out of my head, I would do so in a second.  The only fear with that is the possibility of loosing much of my past year, including Italy.  Because I even put you above Italy.  And now, after the way you have treated me, I want nothing more to do with you.



In an attempt to get all these feelings out and whatnot, I choreographed a performance art-ish piece last night.  I already had parts done from earlier ideas in my head, but then everything just fell together.  It may be indulgent, it may be revolting, it may be offensive, it may be stupid, but I think it is important for art to sometimes be created "in the moment," when one is completely surrounded by emotions and all rationality is gone.  Say what you want, but I have a need to express this crazy thought.

It involves blue blood, the David, glass, a spiky shoe, an your dick.

Performance time.  Better watch your crotch, fucker.




One last phrase: I would wish you good luck in life, but its doubtful that you will ever find anyone as emotionally hollow as yourself.  I may be mean,  but at least I can express my feelings - love, hatred, or otherwise.  You, sir, are emotionally inept.

You obviously didnt think this through.  We are going to be in the same fucking town for 5 weeks with a small amount of people, with classes only taking up a fraction of time, leaving all our friends to hang out.  Wait, all of OUR friends.  Yep, I'm friends with them too, and I'd LOVE to hang out with them.  If you want to man up and get over hurting me (I'm getting over it, so so can you) then maybe next time I can actually join our group for some celebration.  You feel awkward?  I am trying as hell not to feel that way, and guess what, you are making everyone in the middle (mainly talking about one person, aka my bestest) feel awkward too.

Congratulations.



So, thank you for allowing me to make the least of my semester abroad, allowing me to spend the whole time wanting to come back to YOU, and then once here wishing I could be as far away as possible.  You have ruined both my spring and now part of my summer.





Worst part is: I'm still not over your sorry ass.  (obviously, as can tell by this entry)

Well, not what I wanted, not what I was hoping for, but I guess it was what I expected.

It kind of sucks when you count on something so much and then it doesn't work out.  Oh life.  Disappointed?  Yes.

First Italy, then this.  Man oh man, its rolling.

I am done and I have returned.


Now its time to reorganize all the stuff that got jumbled over the past 4 months.  Goody.

Not very good attention or care yet I still think the sun shines out of his ass.

What the fuck?


Its too bad I like the dick, otherwise lesbianism would be the right answer.



Blunt enough?

I'm just tired.  Tired of traveling, tired of school, tired of taking pictures, tired of not really talking to real friends, tired of missing my family, tired of having so much space that I think and think and analyze until I drive myself crazy, tired of rain, tired of pizza, tired of drama, tired of going out, tired of drinking, tired of not being understood/not understanding (language barrier, not emo-wise, despite the tone of this entry).


Im just going to say it: I wish I had gone to Paris.  I have yet to fall in love with Florence, and I dont think I ever will.  Its sad, because I was looking forward to this since I was a freshman in high school, but it is certainly not what I expected.


I just want to go home.  Dear god I cant wait to go home.


2 weeks and 5 days.  Not that Im counting.


I just had to let it out.  Thanks for listening, computer.

i just want to talk to somebody.  from home.

thats all.  just that.

i feel incredibly disconnected some days.

other days are fine and fun, but somedays, like today, i feel like a bum.  hoo, that rhymed (1/2 rhyme, at least).




i think some chemicals are messed up right now.  lets just say i realize i am overdramatic and whatnot right now, but i cant fix it.  in fact, it just makes me more topsyturvy when i do.  ahhhhh, the effects of a new life on the same ole body/person.  mmmmmm.

time for some nutella.  or citrusy something.  pistachio?  no.  bread.  and olive oil.  yessum.  dont forget the salt.



i thought the decision would makes things easier.  it was good for a little while, but now i miss just as much again.  aww shit.